Your husband doesn’t have to earn your respect

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I can’t tell you where I was or who was there or when it happened. I don’t want to add to this guy’s humiliation, so I am keeping this vague and generic. I can simply tell you that, some time ago, I found myself in the same vicinity as another married couple.

I certainly can’t read their minds, and I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes, all I know is that the husband couldn’t seem to utter a single phrase that wouldn’t provoke exaggerated eye-rolling from his wife.

She disagreed with everything he said.

She contradicted nearly every statement.

She even nagged him.

She brought up a “funny” story that made him out to be incompetent and foolish. He laughed, but he was embarrassed.

She was gutting him right in front of us. Emasculating him. Neutering him. Damaging him.

It was excruciating.

It was tragic.

It also was, or is becoming, pretty par-for-the-course.

The respect deficiency in our culture has reached crisis levels.

I’ve discussed at length how men should treat women. I’ve written about the lessons I plan to teach my son; lessons about how he should love, honor, respect, serve, and protect the women in his life. Indeed, men need to respect women, and we, as men, are far from perfect in that regard.

Those posts — the ones where I call on us men to improve the way we treat women — tend to be very popular. They’re popular when I write them or when anyone writes them. Proclaim that women, mothers, and wives should be respected, and a chorus will shout ‘amen.’ Every day on Facebook brings us another viral post excoriating men and supporting women. I’ve written a few of them myself.

But I’ve noticed that the corollary — a message about the respect women must give men, a message challenging wives and encouraging husbands — isn’t quite so palatable for many people. Disrespect for men has become standard practice. That scene I witnessed was sad but unremarkable; we’ve all watched that kind of thing play out a thousand times over. Men are disrespected by their wives — they’re disrespected publicly, they’re disrespected privately, they’re disrespected and then told that they have no right to be upset about it because they aren’t worthy of respect in the first place.

Disrespect for men is a joke to us now. A little while ago I stopped on the way home from work to buy my wife some flowers. As she rang me up, the cashier quipped: “Uh-oh, what’d you do?” I wasn’t particularly amused, but I chuckled. She continued. “I don’t know if this will be enough to get you off the couch tonight!”

Ah, yes, the old “husband is punished by his wife and sent to the couch” meme. I’m not sure if this actually happens in real life, or if it’s an invention of 90’s “all men are fat, witless, oafs” sitcoms, but the popularity of the stereotype is telling. Is this how we see husbands now? A man gets “in trouble” with his wife, she scolds him and puts him in time-out on the couch. Now he has to placate his alpha-bride by showering her with flowers and jewelry.

Men are painted like children or dogs. They can be shooed off of their own beds by their wives and sent to cower in the living room until she permits him to return. This is only slightly less offensive than the cliché of the sadistic wife who punitively withholds sex from her husband. “You didn’t clean the garage like I told you. No sex for you, mister! Next time, follow my instructions!”

Did you ever see this Samsung ad from several months ago?

A worthless, grunting, Neanderthal of a husband instantly “evolves” when his wife plugs a  contraption into his back. The ad caused a slight dust up when they released it, but nothing — NOTHING — like it would have if the husband and wife had switched roles in this charming piece of viral marketing.

But with men on the receiving end, a few people complained, some angry Youtube comments were posted, Samsung sales were unscathed, and everyone quickly moved on with their lives.

That’s because disrespect for men isn’t exactly a trendy outrage.

These cultural messages aren’t harmful because they hurt my manly feelings; they’re harmful because of what they do to young girls. Society tells our daughters that men are boorish dolts who need to be herded like goats and lectured like school boys. Then they grow up and enter into marriage wholly unprepared and unwilling to accept the Biblical notion that “wives should submit to their husbands” because “the husband is the head of the wife.” [Ephesians 5]

It is a fatal problem, because the one thing that is consistently withheld from men and husbands — respect — is the one thing we need the most.

Yes, need. We need respect, and that need is so deeply ingrained that a marriage cannot possibly survive if the man is deprived of it.

Often, people will say that a husband should only be respected if he “earns” it. This attitude is precisely the problem. A wife ought to respect her husband because he is her husband, just as he ought to love and honor her because she is his wife. Your husband might “deserve” it when you mock him, berate him, belittle him, and nag him, but you don’t marry someone in order to give them what they deserve. In marriage, you give them what you’ve promised them, even when they aren’t holding up their end of the bargain.

This doesn’t mean that a man has a license to be lazy, or abusive, or uncaring. He is challenged to live up to the respect his wife affords him. If his wife parcels out her respect on some sort of reward system basis, the husband has nothing for which to strive. As the respect diminishes, so too does his motivation to behave respectably. Respect is wielded like a ransom against him, and he grows more isolated and distant all the while.

They both swirl in circles around the drain. He fails, so she gives him no respect, and then he continues to fail because he feels disrespected, and she continues to give him no respect because he continues to fail. And so on, and so on, and so on, all the way to the divorce attorney.

The same thing happens with love. If love is unconditional, then the light of love always shines in your marriage, even in its darkest times. But if your love is given in direct proportion to your spouse’s ability to “earn” it, then it will inevitably diminish and fade over time.

Love in a marriage is, as people often point out, a choice. But it’s also a duty. So is respect. I love my wife because I choose to love her. I choose to love her because that is the vow I made; it is my charge, my warrant. Luckily, it’s usually pretty easy to love my wife because she’s kind, warmhearted, and beautiful. But if she becomes less kind, and I withdraw my love because of it, then my love was never love to begin with. It was just a pleasant feeling; a natural response to her nicer tendencies.

This is not to say that women should tolerate a man who fails in his duties, but that her intolerance for his failures can only be constructive if it is rooted in respect. Sadly, many women will approach their husbands and say: “You need to stop doing such and such or start doing such and such, because you’re a failure and I don’t respect you.”

She might not explicitly state this, but it is the message she implicitly sends. There is zero chance that this message will help to heal the damage; it only plunges another dagger into the already gaping wound.

A few months ago I wrote a post about pornography. I stand by every word I typed, but I feel like I could add another couple thousand sentences to the end of it. Ever since I published that piece, I have heard from hundreds and hundreds of men and women on both sides of the porn problem.

Men emailed to tell me that they developed a porn habit and it did great damage to their marriage. But they told me that they resorted to porn after years of being disrespected, shunned and belittled by their wives. They weren’t making an excuse — only offering some perspective and context.

And hundreds of women told me that their husbands developed a porn habit and it caused them to lose all respect for them. This inability to respect their husbands nearly, or in some cases completely, wrecked their marriage.

A vicious cycle. The men didn’t want to fight for a marriage if they weren’t respected, and the women didn’t want to respect men who wouldn’t fight for their marriage. He withholds his love, she withholds her respect. They’ve both set fire to the thing that needs to be fixed.

Respect is our language. If it isn’t said with respect, we can’t hear it. This is why nagging is ineffective and self defeating. This is why statements made in sarcastic tones, or with rolling eyes, will never be received well. We have a filter in our brains, and a statement made in disrespect will be filtered out like the poison it is.

Men are notoriously reluctant to share feelings or display vulnerability. Many times, we keep those inner thoughts locked away — our feelings guarded and hidden — because we know we are not respected. A man will never be vulnerable to someone who doesn’t respect him. Never.

A man isn’t satisfied or content if he isn’t respected. If he can’t find respect where he is, he will seek it somewhere else. This can have disastrous implications for a relationship, but it applies in other areas of life as well. A man is much more likely to stay in a low paying job, a physically demanding job, a dangerous job, or a tedious job, than a job where he isn’t respected.

I’m only emphasizing this because I think it might actually be news to some people. Society does not permit men to be vocal about their need for respect, so the need is often ignored.

I could sit here all day adding “yes, but husbands also need to…” disclaimers. I won’t, because I’ve probably written a dozen or more times on that subject. Every once in a while, I think we should talk about what wives need to do. And here it is. This, above all else. Respect your husbands. Even when he doesn’t deserve it.

 

______

 

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2,088 Responses to Your husband doesn’t have to earn your respect

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  7. Another great one Matt. I definitely agree that the husband should be respected from the beginning. Honestly, why marry someone if you don’t respect them? P.S. Please delete all theses stupid spams, I have no reporting option.

  8. Alpha-Bride says:

    Everyone, including my husband, must earn my respect. I do not submit to his will or decisions because he has a penis. He is not the head of the house. This is why I left Christianity. Women are placed as second-class citizens in their own home and relationships. Nope.

    • JSantorelli says:

      And yet so many women have no problem with the vagina being in charge. When men challenge that one all heck breaks loose. Ever hear the slogan “I have the p*ssy, I make the rules?” Yeah its on a shirt sold for profit and many feminists act like its reality even if they don’t admit it. Where’s the feminists like yourself denouncing that? Silent….I thought so. People leave Christianity because of too much ego. Sorry if yours was offended.

    • greyghost says:

      You vowed to submit when you married. You basically married a man you did not respect. He was and is a week man for marrying a woman like you and instinctively you know it in the way you feel about him. He can never earn your respect it is impossible you will always force him into supplication and no matter what sacrifice he makes to honor his wedding vows you will never know joy or happiness.

    • Aamir says:

      The Irony when you say he must earn your respect but you yourself seem to be lacking the character to deserve it, eh :)? Yeah I can see how you totally deserve to be respected (sarcasm in case you didn’t figure it out). The other poster’s right: he is a weak man and frankly men like that who are wussies are not even real men.Equal treatment is one thing but here it seems that you are all up for being the head of the house and having the proverbial mentioned. Hypocrisy much?

    • Totally agree with you, but then of course I’m just a feminazi who believes both genders should have equal legal rights and not seek to overpower each other lol. Kudos for being brave on this totally open minded blog, insert sarcasm.

      • JSantorelli says:

        What feminazi’s say and what they do are 2 completely different things. Human beings are power driven by nature. If you believe men and women are the same then feminism is as much a show of female machismo as its alleged counterpart. Of coarse you are blind to that fact because it benefits you. When has feminism ever limited itself like it seeks to limit men? Answer: Never! Did they advocate for men in Obamacare? Answer: Nope! They only had their interests in mind and men got stuck with the bill. Feminists talk the talk but do not walk the walk because their ego gets in the way.

    • You need to read the book, “The Sigma Male” by Dr. John Alexander. It explains why you won’t “submit” to your husband–he’s not doing his job as a man and subconsciously you resent it. Women SHOULD be strong, powerful, and equal; the problem is that today’s men have become weak, timid, and afraid–basically big babies. They haven’t kept up with women and both partners are paying the price for their lack of a spine.

      • greyghost says:

        You are talking out of your butt. Taberson. Men behave the way they do by law. The laws of misandry are there to emasculate men for the sake of women to feel strong. The only men worthy of a woman’s respect these days are thugs and psychopaths that don’t give a damn. Coincidentally they are the PUA and players getting all of the sex. The empowered rebellious women here know this and that is where the cocky I don’t need you attitude comes from.

    • K says:

      I feel sorry for the man that is your husband. Might as well get a divorce attorney now. You clearly do not care about your husband at all. You are tearing down your own home. You equate respect with being a doormat and that is not what it means…AT ALL. Your husband most likely does not want you to be a doormat either. Based on your logic, your husband has to be respect-able in order for you to respect him. Well, let’s turn that ideology around and say you have to be love-able for him to love you. You clearly have no understanding of what Christianity is because if you did, you wouldn’t be able to leave it. Get real. Men have a deep need for their women to respect them. They need this like the air they breathe. To deny them this is like killing their spirits/hearts slowly and is cruel. I hope that one day soon you gain some understanding is this department before it is too late for your marriage. I know what I’m talking about here. I used to be someone like you and it did me no favors. Change your ways lady. Open your eyes and maybe you will see a transformation in him. Your husband deeply desires this for your marriage even though he may not say it. Your wounding him deeply.

  9. Tom says:

    When one seriously explores the concept of ‘gender’ it becomes surprisingly vague and ill-defined, both in a physical, biological sense, and even more so in a cultural one.

    I feel that most educated ‘Western’ people (you know what I mean) are in a post-gender age, where several generations, and many decades, have largely smashed through the toughest discrimination, and entrenched ideological barriers to gender equality.

    I feel more-and-more that discussing ‘respect’, ‘rights’, and ‘needs’ using gender-specific statements and assumptions is counter-productive.

    Making sweeping statements about what ‘husbands’ need is just as sexist as saying women are bad drivers.

    Every humans needs respect to be happy and fulfilled. No one should be subject to humiliation or abuse of any kind. It is entirely irrelevant whether they have a penis or not, or what gender they identify as, what colour they are, or how old they are.

    And furthermore given the context of this being a Christian oriented post, the idea that ‘Men’ SHOULD be head of the household, is utterly discriminatory, and evidently an institution that leads to cultural discrimination and entrenching of gender based power disparity.

    The bible has no interest in gender ‘equality’, nor acceptance of people who don’t biologically or mentally fit into the male/female world view. And yet it is where equality has been promoted, those cultures have flourished in terms of economy, health care, life expectancy, population control, education, human rights, less violence, etc.

    If biblical teachings were really the best way to achieve a better world, then it would be self evident that highly religious communities would perform better on social indicators, however, religiosity has a no effect on social indicator statistics.

    My point is the only message that will improve this world is “Treat EVERYONE with respect, and kindness, and consider peoples’ needs on a person-by-person basis”.

    • tunebeach says:

      excellent post, Tom–I think that is a much clearer post. Making this gender-specific is not helpful.

    • tunebeach says:

      Excellent response, Tom–I believe you are right; the real message should be to treat EVERYONE with respect, don’t make it gender–dependent. There is too much lack of tender-heartedness, all around.

    • Courtney says:

      All of this. You hit the nail on the head.

    • K says:

      While I agree that we should treat each other with respect that is not what this article is about. Marriage is way different than general relationships and should be treated as such. This blurring of the lines of the male/female is a ridiculous ideology. Women do not need respect as deeply as a man. We definitely need it but it does not tear us down and wound us deeply like an unloving husband would. We are different. We need love and we desire it like the air we breathe. Respect is the same way for a man. When both parties deny the other what they desperately need, it creates a painful situation and one that will only truly be rectified by giving each other what is needed to thrive and work through any situation. Aptly put…love for the woman, respect for the man. There is no other way around it.

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  13. David says:

    The straw that broke my back was the continued statement of “…you are worse than a nonbeliever because you are not providing for your family….”
    How can I not be providing for my family if I go to work daily, missing the kids games, events, doctor appointments, food on the table, utilities cellphones, vehicles that work, health care coverage, insurances etc. AND WORK 1,500 hours of overtime in 2013 and almost 1,800 in 2012!!??! Not regular hours. Overtime.
    28-34 hours extra each week to have someone tell me I’m not providing??
    I got that message verbally in front of my kids. Left in voice messages. Sent numerous times in text messages.
    I’m so done with this. Let her go out and get a job and I’ll stay home with the last three kids.
    And by the way. Tell the readers that ‘leaving and cleaving’ should also include brothers, sisters and others who choose to insult your spouse.
    I blocked my sister in law from texting and phone calls because she went XXXXXrated salty poopy mouth on a few text messages and voicemails. And sadly, my wife has begun using her sister’s negative phrases on me now.
    Oh well. Jesus come soon.

    • I'm the husband that's she talking about my name is Raul Carrillo and that's my wife Paulina Arellano says:

      Yes your right … I have to move on . I had a bad experience almost killed my self I wanted to get hit by a car just like my ill nephew whom hasn’t woken up yet I wanted to be him .. I’m sorry I failed for my wife’s love

  14. DZ313 says:

    Why marry the cow when the milk is free? Boycott marriage. No need to thank me later. Cheers to a happy life.

    • JSantorelli says:

      Boycotting women with feminist tendencies is a better way to put it. The problem is many guys still have that annoying problem of desiring women sexually. Until men realize that pornography and sex enslaves them to womankind we will never be free. When men en masse avoid women on every level sexually you watch how the games changes real fast. Women who respect and stand by men should encouraged. The rest should be left exclusively to their of devices. Their ways are not sustainable.

  15. I'm the husband that's she talking about my name is Raul Carrillo and that's my wife Paulina Arellano says:

    Thank you .. Tell this day I still love Paulina Arellano nothing but RESPECT AND LOVE FOR HER tried very hard for her love back … TQM

  16. I'm the husband that's she talking about my name is Raul Carrillo and that's my wife Paulina Arellano says:

    You say you-moved on but your still bitch online guess you still got me on your mine because I do tqm

  17. steven says:

    I enjoyed reading ur post but it also disheartened me as I don’t seem to see women who have the respect required to be able to hold a relationship today’s society is for married couples or courting couples to live separate lives and women are attracted to men who let them do and act as they please. The bible warns us to stay away from such women as it will only end in disaster so as a man who is told his help meet is his wife I don’t feel as though I am a man cause no woman wants a man who treats them with the respect they deserve from the start all I get is women who try to take advantage of that and disrespect me cause i give them grace and love but in the end they throw it back in my face . I’d love to find my soul mate but in this current generation and biblical teaching of one man one woman joined and let no one part what God has joined I don’t see women who can follow that so I choose to be single so I am nit judged for not been able to keep my family in order according to gods teachings.

    Thanks

    Steve

  18. steven says:

    Just read the comment about spell castor did u know we are to have nothing to do with magic or spell casting they are the devils tools not gods so I’d say ur bf did not back on a solid rock foundation but of that of sand god does not cast spells take care god bless hope u find the path god wants u to walk.

    Thanks

    Steve

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  20. Jennifer says:

    Wow to think man can cure diseases, fly in the air like birds, ect., yet can’t find the simple joys in life that God has laid before us daily, the sun comes out, the birds sing and the grass grows, our hearts beat and loved ones ,whether far away or laying right next to us love us we just need to OPEN our eyes and hearts to see it!

  21. Amy says:

    Well, well, well done!!! Matt, I love every article I read from you!

  22. Lysa says:

    As a strong woman, I thouroughly enjoyed and agreed with this article. With the way the economy has been, I have become the “breadwinner” in our family and my husband goes to school full time and helps with the kids. HOWEVER, we still have that “its us versus the world” mentality. We are a team, it doesnt matter who brings in the money or who feeds the children, as long as the task is accomplished. We respect each other to know that the right hand washes the left and vice versa. We are devoute Christians who also know that when the bible does say for wives to submit to their husbands, but it also says husbands submit to your wives. Men and women are like Yin and Yang, two parts of a whole. THIS is how a marriage is supposed to be. When you decided to get married, when you decided to no longer be two people, but one, THAT is when it went from having to work for respect and have “earned” it. My husband is the man of my life and of our house. Just as I am the woman of my house and his life.

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  37. ryan says:

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