Here’s why I haven’t been updating my blog

I haven’t put up a new post in a week and a half, so people have been wondering when I plan on getting back to my blogging ways.

To answer their questions: I’ll be writing new posts consistently starting next week.

To explain my absence: My wife and I agreed that the holidays aren’t quite busy and stressful enough, therefore we logically decided to schedule our move into a new house, six hundred miles away, for Christmas week. This seemed like a good idea at the time. We had a reason for doing it this way. A compelling reason. I can’t remember what it was, but I remember that it existed.

In any case, it all went how you might expect.

Here’s a brief rundown of our last 12 days:

Leave Kentucky, drive to Maryland. Arrive in Maryland a day later. Briefly stop in new house. Head to see wife’s family. Drive down to visit with my family, see my sister Beth’s new baby. Exploit male family members into helping us move heavy boxes and furniture into new house. Drive to Virginia to drop Christmas presents off at my sister Joan’s monastery. Drive down to see my family for Christmas Eve church service/Dad’s birthday celebration. Wife’s mom’s house for Christmas morning. Wife’s dad’s house for Christmas afternoon. Wife’s mom’s house for Christmas night. Destroy wife’s family in Settlers of Catan. Wife’s sister’s birthday. Drive down to see my family again. Christmas shindig with my family. Nephew’s baptism. Drive back to our new house to start unpacking boxes. Back to Virginia to monastery for visit with sister Sister Joan. Back to new house. Unpack. Visit wife’s family again. Breathe. Get some new furniture. Move more things. Unpack more things. Continue working on house. Back to my family for New Year’s Eve. Destroy my family in Settlers of Catan. Try to officially finish the house because… Tomorrow through Saturday night: Philadelphia for wife’s sister’s wedding. Also expected to attend: a snowstorm.

I have spared you the dirty details of this holiday/moving/birthday/Baptism/wedding two week extravaganza. I choose not to flesh out things like the unexpected challenges of attempting to find a place to stop and sleep while driving through West Virginia in the middle of the night with cats and kids in the car. I won’t bother you with stories about the humiliation I endured when the manager at the Hampton Inn caught me attempting to sneak the pets into our room. (Rock stars get kicked out of hotels for having wild parties, I get kicked out of hotels for harboring illegal cats.) I won’t tell you about the budget motel with the bullet proof casing around the reception desk, which, apparently, is the only lodging establishment in West Virginia that accepts felines. I won’t get into the “For your own protection: keep door bolted at all time” sign on the door of the motel room, or the brown stains in the tub, or the strange smells, or the cops with the drug sniffing dogs visiting a nice gentlemen a few doors down. I won’t tell you about how all of these factors prompted me to remove my wife and children from the premises, keep the cats in the room for the night, and walk across the parking lot to a hotel that didn’t feel like a crack shack from The Wire. (So yes, in effect, we booked a room just for the cats. We are not wealthy by any means, but we had no choice. Or, at least, we couldn’t see any other choice in our tired 2AM haze, with the babies crying, and 400 miles of road still ahead before we reached our destination.)

I likewise will forgo explaining the scenario that ended with us calling the fire department and evacuating our home on the day we moved in — literally minutes after we’d hulled the last box from the truck into the house.

It’s probably for the best that I refrain from expounding on these things. I’m well aware that moving and “the holidays” are only stressful in our pampered society, where, lacking access to real suffering, we’ve invented these pretentious First World Problems. In fact, these are probably the two most prominent, most obnoxious, and most egregious First World Problems on the entire list.

Waaaah I don’t like moving because I have so many things! I have so many possessions that the act of transporting them from Point A to Point B takes the sort of money and manpower that, if more appropriately allocated, could probably build 27 wells in impoverished African villages. Also, waaaah, the holidays are difficult because I have so many family members who greatly desire my company! Waaaah I have to drive to several different locations to eat pie and drink wine! Lord, why hast thou forsaken me?

Yeah. I know. That’s what I just did. I’m not proud of it, but there it is.

Maybe, if I could find a lesson in all of this, it would be the following:

If you are thinking about moving, remember to carefully gather together all of the items in your house — and burn them.

Burn them all. Just throw them into a pile and burn them.

Travel to your new location with only lint in your pocket and a dream in your heart.

Burn everything you own and dance around the fire like wild Indians.

I can’t promise that this will be safe, or sane, but it will certainly be easier, more enjoyable, and possibly more psychologically healthy than packing up all of that junk, hauling it across the country, and clumsily unpacking it, making sure to leave dents and damages on all of your most cherished items.

I think this country would be a better place if there were less moving trucks, and more crazed, anti-materialism backyard bonfires.

This is my advice. I did not take it, because I am a hypocrite, and I also have a wife who has long held fast to a strict “don’t set the furniture on fire” policy. But it’s not too late for you. Godspeed.

As a final, cheerful note: I’ve lacked the time or energy to shave these past weeks. My beard, in case you were wondering, is now manlier than it’s ever been. Someone stopped me on the street today and said, “I notice you have a beard. You must be a lumberjack or an eccentric novelist.” I’m told that these are the sorts of flattering comments that the bearded receive on a daily basis. I think I’ll keep growing it — at least until my wife makes good on her threat to slip Benadryl into my dinner and then shave me against my will while I’m sleeping.

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251 Responses to Here’s why I haven’t been updating my blog

  1. Kathy E says:

    I sympathize. We moved from a farm in Michigan to Florida. Our apartment was across the street from a Motel 6. It was like watching “Cops”, live and uncut. Constant sirens. Moved out of town into the country on Dec 1. Still unpacking boxes….

    • Golden Boy says:

      My parents have moved several times since they met 22 years ago. And they still have yet to unpack all of the boxes from move number one, about 20 years ago.

  2. Seventeen years ago, we moved from the west coast to the east coast because of my husband’s job. After thirteen years in the east, we had to move again because my hubby lost his job with his 30 year company. We dumped 2/3 of our stuff (most give away to charity) and I wish I could burn them in the back yard. Now we are living in a small home of our dream land – Southern California. I love CA so much and hope to spend rest of my life in this blessed “milk and honey” land.

    • srbboo says:

      Lisa, life is so strange… I was born and raised in So Cal, moved to North Georgia 2 years ago and will never return to California. The liberals, moochers, illegals and morons just ruined the land of milk and honey for me.

      • Karri M. says:

        I was raised in Florida and moved to Nashville, TN when I was 23. I love it here, so green. I moved my parents up here 9 years ago so I would never have to go back to Florida. Lost my dad 2 years ago this coming February and now we bought a house less than a mile from our house that has a complete ground level apartment in it for my mom. 3 generations under one roof, love it. But moving two households into one was pretty tough, but we moved in May. Nothing goes on in May but the most gorgeous Spring.

  3. Samantha says:

    You seem to have our luck 🙂 Best of luck in the future!!!

  4. C says:

    Oh my goodness, burning your things instead of moving them. My husband and I often think of how much better that would be for us, one huge fire. Keep the photos, burn the knick knacks.

    • C says:

      Loved this post, by the way. It totally made me laugh, on a day when I really needed it.

      Thank you.

      Oh, and beards are totally awesome.

  5. One of your funnier posts, Matt. Although, I hadn’t even noticed your absence because of similar 600 mile trips and holiday stuff. Happy New Year.

  6. laurawright says:

    Bienvenido a Maryland! And I knew there was a reason I kept reading your blog … Anyone who plays Settlers of Catan is a friend of mine.

  7. S.L. Fallon says:

    The Matt Walsh Blog <> wrote:

    a:hover { color: red; } a { text-decoration: none; color: #0088cc; } a.primaryactionlink:link, a.primaryactionlink:visited { background-color: #2585B2; color: #fff; } a.primaryactionlink:hover, a.primaryactionlink:active { background-color: #11729E !important; color: #fff !important; }

    /* @media only screen and (max-device-width: 480px) { .post { min-width: 700px !important; } } */

    The Matt Walsh Blog posted: “I haven’t put up a new post in a week and a half, so people have been wondering when I plan on getting back to my blogging ways.

    To answer their questions: I’ll be writing new posts consistently starting next week.

    To explain my absence: My wife an”

  8. Julia says:

    I almost feel sorry for laughing. Glad you can breathe again and didn’t have the bonfire. Moving can be a good excuse to purge stuff,. been there a few times. God bless and keep you in your new home.

  9. Luscinia says:

    We shouldn’t be forced to live semi-nomadic lifestyles for the sake of our jobs to begin with.

  10. Pingback: I Learn To Live – Looking back, Looking forward

  11. Lena Scott says:

    Best post, sounds like you need more wine. Don’t eat the pie, your wife has spiked it with Benadryl. 😉

  12. Richelle says:

    Thank you for the comedy posting…I mean the posting from reality. I feel downright relaxed in comparison.

  13. Lesly says:

    Is that all? You call that an excuse for not blogging?? What if *MY* first-world problem is missing my blogger? Can you live with THAT?? 😉

  14. Salty Bear says:

    You left Kentucky and moved to MARYLAND!?

    Maybe you can do something about the sorry state of the 2nd amendment there.

  15. I honestly sympathize with all the hassle and stress you went through, but I’m still flabbergasted as to why you and your family decided to move during the busy holiday season! Were you trying to win an achievement or secretly wishing for a stroke? I don’t know how you’re still here!

  16. Angie Mc says:

    Ouch! My husband and I moved 14 times in our first 14 years of marriage. Something about the Mojave dessert in August and vehicles with no AC…kids’ guinea pigs in large cages…Van Morrison the only music to sooth the cat…flies dropping dead into glasses of water in dive restaurant…it’s all rather a blur now. I was told someday I would look back and laugh. You’re post made me laugh, thank you; does that count? Sending my very best to you & your family… with much empahty 🙂

  17. Liz says:

    Good luck on the move, I enjoy your wry sense of humor!

  18. Kimmyrenee says:

    Oh my goodness I belly laughed out loud while reading your story!! You are an incredible gifted writer!!! I am so sorry that you and your precious family endeared so much and so many challenges! I am so glad that want to, and that you are able to share with all of us and be such an encouragement to so many! God bless you and your dear family!!!

    • Kimmyrenee says:

      So…..obviously after re-reading what I wrote…it shows why some people ARE good writers and others aren’t!!! I being one of those who are NOT a good writer! LOL! :o)

  19. Tracey F. says:

    Hahahaha! You poor things! Burn it all, too funny. Thanks for the laugh, Matt. :p

  20. So funny. Thanks for the much needed laugh.

  21. JamesTollison says:

    Your wife wants you to shave your beard, and I’ll bet you wouldn’t even think of trying to make that sort of threat to her about her choices in her personal appearance. What is it with wives, anyway? They just want us that much under their thumbs?

  22. Kathy says:

    I love you! Please tell your wife that if/when she is ready/happy to throw you away that I will happily take your kind/irreverent self to my heart and treasure you forever/till you are sick of me……..😄

  23. Marcella says:

    Glad to know you are a cat person :-),

  24. "Bz" says:

    Hilarious! I love it when you don’t feel the need to defend statements within your writing and it just flow carefree-like.
    p.s. So as you don’t get Blogger-Burnout… please set a strict “I’ll only post X times a week” rule… you will drive yourself nuts and burn out otherwise… and I want you in for the long haul.
    p.p.s The X times a week #? …. ?!? 3 ??
    p.p.p.s. Yeah… I know… like you asked for advise (but, hey, I’m knowledgeable with things of this nature & how humans respond).

  25. Josh says:

    I tentatively welcome you back to my home state, Matt. The state government here should provide you with lots of blog material…

  26. Comely Miss says:

    As a fellow person who moved a mere 9 days before Christmas last time, I second the fire idea. Seems rational to me!

  27. Margaret E. Duley says:

    Whew! That’s about all that I can say, other than I did get a chuckle or two…..thanks!

  28. Dawn says:

    Thank you for the dive head into reality. Growing up my family moved every 2-4 years. And no, my Dad wasn’t military. One move was from California to Idaho and then 2 years later to Alaska to only stay for 6 months to move back to California. Not just back to California, but back to the same town. Crazy parents. They still move every 2-4 years. My Dad will be 71 soon and they plan to move again this summer. Some people thrive off of it almost like an addiction. My husband and I bought a house a year ago and plan to stay put until our kids are in college. Our kids are 5 ad 8 right now. I hate moving. But the next move will be to a small cabin by the ocean to retire in just the two of us.

  29. Michael says:

    I am glad Y’all made it and the “important” things are “ok”. Happy New Year!

  30. Cornel Rasor says:

    We moved 23 times in our first 20 years of marriage. I will not elaborate but I understand your angst. Later I was told that three moves is as good as a fire. Wish we had reversed the metaphor. My beloved has stayed with me for 37 years and I and eternally grateful but if I had it to do all over again, it would be different.

  31. you are brilliant and funny. thank you!!!

  32. I moved from the US to Germany a few years ago and literally went through the burn everything ideal. Well, not quite. There are some things that you need to keep, that are an essential part of your life, of you. I kept my books. I don’t regret this, nor do I regret leaving everything else behind – perhaps not burning, but passing them on to those who needed them more than my ‘pampered’ self.

  33. usaffrank says:

    Repeat this process every two to three years, but next time move to somewhere you’ve never been, somewhere you have no friends or family, and probably somewhere you’d never think of living voluntarily, and you’ll have some general idea what it’s like to be a military family.

  34. We once moved into temporary housing that was way too small for our family (First World Problem) between Christmas and New Years. So, most of our stuff had to go into storage. Six months later we found the boys’ Christmas presents.

  35. Pamela Mills says:

    Keep the humor in your posts. It spreads like wildfire.

  36. Thanks for the post Matt! Thanks for the laughter–and the tears. May God bless you and your family as you get settled.

  37. christinewjc says:

    Wow Matt. I was going to list all the reasons why I have been absent from my blog over the past few weeks, but after reading about all that you and your family went through, I certainly shouldn’t complain about being busy!

    Despite all that we go through on this earth, we Christians can cope with any situation and live through it all because of our faith in Jesus. At the end of each day and trial, we can celebrate being In Christ Alone! Love that worship song!

    May God continue to bless you and your lovely family!

  38. Thanks for the chuckles! I’m glad you got moved safely. God bless.

  39. Ellen Kolb says:

    Accept my prayers and best wishes as you settle into your new home. Long-distance drives with kids were no fun (and my husband and I reared five kids, so we know this). Neither was putting an addition on the house around the time I delivered a baby. Y’know what? The kids were worth it. But you already knew that.

  40. HaHaHA!! You totally cracked me up! I think I actually stayed in the same motel a few years back when we only had 2 small children. My that was the shortest I ever stayed in a hotel. No showering in that bathroom! I brushed my teeth careful to spit all the water out just in case. Glad your move has concluded. Now all that’s left is unpacking. That’s everybody’s favorite, right?

  41. John says:

    I was reminded briefly of one of my favourite quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Cordelia is discussing summer vacation:

    “It was a nightmare, a total nightmare. I mean, they promised me they’d take me to St. Croix, and then they just decide to go to Tuscany. Art and buildings? I was totally beachless for a month and a half. No one has suffered like I have suffered.”

  42. Caleb says:

    “If you are thinking about moving, remember to carefully gather together all of the items in your house — and burn them. ”

    Hilarious! 😀

  43. Dawn Wright says:

    Hilarious! Only because we just moved too! It was scheduled to be A week and a half before Christmas- only 5 miles. We were moving to a one level home for our son we adopted who happens to have cerebral palsy. Well, as with all things we think we have planned- The day before New Years Eve we finally moved!

    In this fun commotion of having everything in boxes and neatly taped up we lost the “extra medicine” for our son (same one with CP) who is also HIV+. This ensued a rip every box open panic tht lasted quite a while. As well as many times of do we have something to eat? Eat out? Rip open more boxes to find something to eat? Or face the millions of people last minute shopping? Kind of panic.

    Oh the joy and fun of moving! With 9 kids let me tell you I am with you on the burning ;).

  44. Marie says:

    After many moves, my husband and I “invented” what we believe will be the next great American business. It will be called, “When You’ve Had Enough.” Our mission will be to enter the house you are leaving, collect the extension cords, paper clips, pennies, lone socks, and odd papers that litter the floor at the end of the move, and then clean your house. We’ll also kindly find a home for the goldfish and his wretched tank, your houseplants, and your refrigerator food. We decided that it is not the couches and boxes that kill you– it is the random carnage at the end of the race that cackles at your poor, sad, sleepless self. 🙂 Praying that your new home fast becomes a place of rhythm and rest.

  45. Tim Harthcock says:

    Being one to move from the beach, in Oxnard,CA, to Goodyear Arizona, 6 months and back to the beach, I totally get it. My bad to me, liked the blog.

  46. Flex says:

    Best wishes in your new home! Thanks for the update, I can’t wait for you to start posting again. Also, the fact someone stopped to ask if you are a lumberjack is hilarious! Great post as always

  47. Alexander Aldrich says:

    I don’t know if anyone already said this, (and please understand that I love your blog, and this is only to help improve it) it should be “fewer moving trucks” instead of “less”. My professors at school ride me for that all the time, and it is still a mistake I make frequently.

  48. I’m sorry you had such a bad time. I hope it was all worth it for you and family. It seems a new home is a great way to start the new year. And the cat/hotel thing…I’m sorry, but I’m glad you got caught. I stay at no pets hotels when i travel due to my insane dander allergy to cats and dogs, but mostly cats. If I rented the room after your cat stayed one night and then left, I could end up in the ER. Just a FYI. I love your blog and think more men should think for themselves like you do and live life under the same morals and love that you have. Keep it up.

  49. Kim Robinson says:

    Funny you suggest that we should build wells in Africa but burn perfectly good furniture instead of giving it to the needy or sell it and give the money to build those wells…??? We are wasteful in many ways.

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