The Legend of the Anti-War Liberal

Gather ’round, folks, ’cause I wanna tell you a story. This here is a legend. It’s a folk legend passed down through the generations. My daddy told it to me, his daddy told it to him, and now I’m tellin’ it to you.

See, as the story goes, a long, long, long time ago — way back in 2003 — there were these people called “Anti-War Liberals.” They were called “anti-war” because they were really, really, super-duper opposed to war. They believed in peace, you see? They didn’t think any country should be runnin’ around shootin’ and killin’ all willy nilly-like. These Anti-War Liberal folks knew that we had no right to be invadin’ another nation just to take its resources, or put a military base on its soil. They said we should mind our own got-danged business and stop interferin’ in them international type affairs.

Well, imagine their outrage when an evil American warlord named George Bush decided to go to war with a country called Iraq. Bush claimed that Iraq had “WMDs”. That means “weapons of mass destruction,” which is any device capable of inflicting a lotta damage and casualties — such as a nuclear bomb or a soda bottle filled with Draino. Anyway, ol’ Bush got up there in front of the TV and said, “We’re gonna invade Iraq and kill that there son of a gun Saddam Hussein!”

Oh boy. Needless to say, the Anti-War Liberals were NOT happy. Oh no they wasn’t. They took to the streets with signs and posters and acoustic guitars. They stomped and screamed and said they was sick of all the killin’ and the shootin’. They said “No blood for oil!” Gosh, it seemed like you couldn’t walk down the road in any major American city without comin’ across a white guy in dreadlocks yellin’ about the war and makin’ historically inaccurate Hitler-Bush comparisons.

The Anti-War Liberals kept at it for years and years. They never stopped talkin’ about how we needed to end the wars and get outta the Middle East entirely.

But then, suddenly, outta nowhere — they vanished. POOF! Gone! Nowhere to be found. To this day, nobody knows what happened to ’em. It’s unexplainable. See, we were still fightin’ in wars overseas and troops was still occupyin’ all kinda countries, but the Anti-War Liberals just disappeared. It was 2008 when the Anti-War Liberals went missin’, and nobody’s heard or seen from ’em since. It was like when the settlers disappeared from Roanoke. Had they been eaten by cannibals? Did they all fall into a wormhole and get themselves stranded in another dimension?

Who knows.

Some people have come up with some crazy theories to explain the phenomenon. Some folks claim that the Anti-War Liberals NEVER EXISTED! I know, that kinda blew my mind the first time I heard it, too. But maybe there never were any Anti-War Liberals? Shoot, anything’s possible at this point.

All we know is that since 2008 our new Warlord has been sendin’ troops hither and yon, and bombin’ villages, and givin’ guns to militants all over the globe, yet ain’t nobody takin’ to the streets to complain about it. And now Warlord Obama is plannin’ on invadin’ a country called Syria. And — doncha know it — he’s using the EXACT SAME EXCUSE Bush used. Obama claims the Syrian dictator has chemical weapons. ‘Cept there’s really solid evidence that the rebels, who we’ve been helpin’, are the ones who used the chemical weapons, killin’ lotsa innocent folks in the process.

We know that the rebels have been murderin’ and slaughterin’ innocent civilians — one of them even filmed himself eatin’ a human heart. In fact, gettin’ involved in Syria would be a thousand times worse than what we did in Iraq ’cause we’d be specifically fightin’ for a gang of rapists, killers, cannibals and terrorists. But Warlord Obama is so intent on gettin’ his hands in this thing that he’s gonna risk WWIII for the sake of it. It would be the first time ever in history that a World War has been started by a Nobel Peace Prize recipient.

He’s gonna plunge us into a conflict that doesn’t concern us; fightin’ for bad guys who kill women and children; he’s gonna convince us to accept it by lyin’ and propagandisizin’; and he’s gonna do it all without congressional approval. Where’s an Anti-War Liberal when you need him? We’re gonna help Al Qaeda take over the Syrian government. That sure seems like somethin’ that would grind the gears of anyone who calls themselves anti-war.

But the Anti-War Liberals ain’t around. Perhaps they were all kidnapped by pirates or abducted by aliens. Or, another theory is that they’re just a bunch of cowardly fraudulent posers who never gave a crap about war in the first place.

I dunno. I’m goin’ with the pirates, personally.

So that’s the story of the Mysterious Vanishing Anti-War Liberal. Some folks say that they’re still out there. Maybe they’re right. Some nights I swear I can still smell a waft of body odor, sandals and cheap weed in the air.

But it’s probably just my imagination.

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129 Responses to The Legend of the Anti-War Liberal

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  2. Jim Rickson says:

    ok here they are:
    http://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/syria-crisis-antiwar-protesters-march-through-london-hailing-victory-after-britain-rules-out-military-action-8792744.html
    http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2013/08/29/protesters-in-times-square-u-s-should-butt-out-of-syria/

    You’re arguing, with the most poisonous kind of cynicism, that “anti-war liberals” are partisan hypocrites when this whole diatribe is just that – a partisan distraction. Who cares if you’re liberal or conservative – you’re either anti-war or you’re not. I mean you think for one second you don’t find hypocrisy and inconsistency on the right? Well apparently you don’t, which is precisely the kind of hypocrisy you inveigh against. You’re just an insecure little troll whose daddy hated “liberals ” and ho knows one thing “I must tow the line”.

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  5. Johan Arve says:

    The hatred above is the evidence that you’re right. Absolutely right.

  6. HeidiU says:

    The whole point of this blog was not cynicism but facts, dear Jim, and you should know this if you are capable of recognizing facts . This of course might be difficult if you are a liberal because ” Facts to liberals are like Kryptonite to Superman” , Your straw-man counterargument can’t change the fact that we see no more liberal anti war protesters since the Nobel Peace Prize Winner took the Oval Office , it doesn’t get any more shameful than that. The liberal sheep have no problem letting Obama go to War or phone in a Drone Strike from the Golf Course. Conservatives don’t protest wars by the thousands no matter who the President is .

  7. Steve Johnson says:

    This is easily the least helpful approach I have read in attempting to unite the country against this conflict. I can’t think of a better way to ensure the death of Syrians than to make this an issue of right vs. left. You do a diservice to your politics and your ethics by stoking the fires of a senseless right/left division.

    • Lukep says:

      It’s good to see others call matt out on his adolescent party nonsense. Sometimes i feel like i am the only one. It’s sad to watch people latch on to this crap like it is cloaked in truth.

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  10. Liberals also have no sense of humor. Makes em easy to spot. The post above is mostly true and funny to boot. It might be more accurate, however, to say that while there are still anti-war folks out there, the media shills who used to pretend to care about them will no longer return their calls. When the leftist media could make political hay, they were all over anti-war like flies on stink. Now that “The One” is the war monger in cheif, they will let the killing go on unabated. The fact that the leftists posting to this blog refuse to see this is just more evidence of the intillectual disconnect required to be a liberal.

  11. Ryan Abt says:

    Matt- I have read a number of your posts and generally agree with you. I even agree with you on Syria and believe that there are many liberals who used anti-war propaganda for votes even though they didn’t care (or in the case of Iraq voted for the war). HOWEVER, the condescension, cynicism, and hatred in this post damages your point and more importantly, your witness. May I remind you of I Cor. 13:1- Do not be a resounding gong or clanging cymbal.

  12. russ in nc says:

    This whole Syria thing is just a super-sized version of Predator Drone strikes Obama does every day in Muslim nations such as Pakistan, Afghanistan, Yemen just to name the ones we know of. Really, it’s not war like Republicans would do.

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  14. Barb says:

    Still very socially liberal. Still very anti-war in most situations. Still hate drone attacks. The difference is that I tried very hard not to be divisive, hateful, condescending or to group people using vast generalizations when I disagreed with things that happened under George W. Bush. I wasn’t always successful, but the point is that it’s not my style to be a loudmouth no matter who the leader is at the time. So yes, still many more liberal, peace loving people out there. The people you have problems with are people who are hateful, not people who are liberal. I really hate these generalizations and all the labeling. I’m pretty sure we’d have a lot in common, but not sure you’d even talk to someone like me if you just saw a fact sheet about my political interests.

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