An apology letter to Mr. Obama

Dear President Obama,

I’m reaching out to you as a friend. I know you must be deeply hurting after what happened at the Missouri State Fair. Sure, you probably try to avoid watching the news while you’re on vacation, but I’m sure the pilot who airlifted your dog to your rental mansion in Martha’s Vineyard probably caught you up to speed (that guy is such a chatterbox). Your jaw must have hit the floor when you heard the news: A rodeo clown in Missouri poked fun at you. Yeah, I know, almost impossible to believe. The gall! The gumption! The racism! Don’t worry, the entire country erupted in outrage, Democrats and Republicans issued statements of condemnation, and now the offending clown has been banned for life from the Missouri State Fair. There will likely be “action taken” against the Missouri Rodeo Clown Association, and I do hope justice is visited upon them swiftly. I think we’re all a little sick of the Missouri Rodeo Clown Association causing trouble. It’s something new every week with those freakin’ guys.

But all of this is of no consolation. The fact is, a rodeo clown in Missouri made fun of you. Nothing can ever ease the pain he has caused. This sort of crass lampooning of public officials has never happened at a rodeo until now, and I know that because a bunch of people who have never been within 150 miles of a rodeo said so. And then — worse still — the crowd erupted in applause at the spectacle of a guy in an Obama mask being chased by a rampaging bull. Racists, the lot of ’em! I mean, Bush never got this sort of treatment. Nobody ever mocked or satirized him. No crude jokes were told about him. Nobody ever wished violence or death upon him. Ever. You know why? Because he’s white. White presidents always get treated nicely, especially white Republicans. Just ask Lincoln. The whole country agreed for over two centuries that we don’t ever insult presidents, then you get into office and all of a sudden every day is Pick on the President Day. Outrageous!

Besides, you are due some respect. You’ve earned it. You’ve done nothing but serve these people and make their lives better, and this is how they treat you? Ungrateful brats. You should drone bomb these haters. Just kidding. But seriously, you should. You’re the first president in history to actually order the assassination of American citizens, and I say why stop with some Muslim propagandist and his completely innocent son who never committed any crime at all?

I’m especially sick of these punks in the middle class who won’t stop complaining about you. What’s their issue? OK, you haven’t done anything about the unemployment rate your whole time in office, median household incomes have dropped, fewer businesses are opening, the number of people in poverty has increased while the number of high paying jobs has decreased, all of this while taxes go up and Obamacare looms, threatening to strangle small business owners and put thousands more out of work, but so what? I’ve got two words: Food stamps. Or is it foodstamps? I don’t know, I can’t spell it, I can just use it to get my Lucky Charms and Dr. Pepper. You’ve made all of this “work” crap obsolete by increasing the entitlement state more than any president ever in history! You’re adding more than 11 thousand Americans a day to SNAP. You’ve got millions relying on the government for rent, cable, phone, even birth control. I guess this horrible economy stuff would be kind of a bummer if not for all the delicious welfare. Who needs an economy anymore? We’ve got you, baby.

So how could anyone be upset at you? How could they delight at the degradation and mockery of Barack Obama? What’s wrong with these right wing rednecks? Are they still sore about the whole thing where you sent the IRS after your political opponents to harass and hinder them during an election cycle? Or the stuff about spying on the phone records of every American? What about all this business about you arming and funding Islamic Militants overseas and then orchestrating a coverup when a bunch of them murdered your ambassador? Are folks STILL mad that you funneled weapons to drug cartels and then threatened whistleblowers into silence? Or is it all this fuss over your Justice Department spying on and attempting to prosecute journalists? Is it the wildly unpopular two thousand page health care law? The regulation mandating that religious employers provide abortifacients to their employees? The millions of tax dollars you’ve given to the abortion industry and the blessings you wished upon a group of wealthy abortionists? The bailouts? The green energy scams? The massive expansion of government? The out of control deficit spending? The lies? The broken promises? The betrayals? The corruption? The attacks on our fundamental liberties?

I can’t imagine why anyone would get too worked about any of that. Like you said, that stuff didn’t happen. Or it did, but it’s not a big deal. Or it’s not a big deal because it didn’t. I can’t remember, I just know that you treat anyone who raises any of these concerns with utter contempt and disregard, which clearly proves that they are wrong.

Mr. Obama, IF you WERE actually guilty of being a deceitful despot who murders, conspires, and steals, then obviously all true Americans would have no choice but to giggle with glee at the sight of your likeness being gouged by an angry bull. Fortunately, that isn’t the case, which is why I’d like to apologize for the state of Missouri, for everyone who has ever attended a state fair, and for everyone in the rodeo clown community.

You are special, Mr. President, and I still love you.

Yours eternally,

Matt Walsh