A love letter to Britain

Hey Britain, can we talk to you? Stop, listen, just listen, give us a chance, OK? Babe, we’re sorry about everything. We know things were kind of weird for a while after that whole thing with the Revolutionary War and all that. Speaking of which, yeah, you were right. Ok? Did you hear that? You were right. We never should have left you. We know that now. It’s like, alright, it’s hard to explain. We were just going through some things emotionally and it was just a weird time for us. We needed to figure ourselves out, you know? I mean, you were this big time super power and we were this little colony and, yeah, maybe we felt threatened and kind of jealous. Sure there was that stuff with you taxing us without giving us a voice in parliament, and then the authoritarian constraint and suppression of basic liberties, and plus we got onto this Enlightenment kick where we started to get all psyched about self governance, democracy, and human rights, but none of that is any excuse. We’re passed all that, OK? Yeah, we still have the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, and we like to look at them from time to time just for the memories, but we don’t BELIEVE any of that anymore. We promise, sweetie.

You were right all along. We didn’t need liberty. We had you, darling. You took care of us. And that’s all we want now. Don’t just take our word for it, look at what we’ve been doing. In fact, over the last century we’ve been working super hard to erase all those freedoms that caused our breakup in the first place. Not only that, but we’ve been really careful to eradicate our desire for independence by getting ourselves hooked on a massive welfare system. Baby, we’re even taking away rights that we actually had when we were with you. That’s how dedicated we are to getting back together. You taxed our tea and a few other products, but now we tax everything! Everything we do, buy, sell or earn is taxed! We promise we’d never fight with you about taxes again. We love them!

Plus we’ve got this freedom crushing domestic surveillance program, we’ve got a powerful Police State, we’ve got government agencies in charge of every facet of American life, from education to the economy to now even health care. See? We’re trying to be just like you. Yeah, we selfishly fought with you about our rights, but now we spend every night burning them in a bonfire while we cry about all the trouble they’ve caused. We’re sorry, babe. Who needs rights when you’ve got security? You tried to tell us that after the French and Indian War but we we just didn’t listen. Damn it, how could we have been so arrogant?

Yeah, for a while after our breakup we might have harbored a grudge against you. There was that little spat during the War of 1812, which we’re really embarrassed about. But that’s all over. Can’t you tell? Look how excited we are about your new baby! We’re all like “Ooooooh a British tabloid figurehead is having a baby! Ahhh how exciting!” Seriously, it’s all our media is talking about today. We’re taking an interest in your life. We care. We even look at all the ways you eliminate freedom and impose a Socialist collectivism, and then we try to emulate it.

Why play this game, babe? Let’s give us another chance. We’ll never leave you again. We just want to be safe and warm in your arms again.

Love,

Your America

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13 Responses to A love letter to Britain

  1. kenny D says:

    Matt where did you dig up this old love letter? Its obvious this was sent to our babe a long time ago. We have since been on many dates together we took her to a couple wars sat gazing at the stars talking about the joys of socialized medicine and just holding hands. Now we are just trying to get the kids used to the idea of us getting married again. Sure we still need to figure out who is going control the checkbook, at what bank but really it is just different branches of the same bank so no big deal there. Boy it sure will be good to be under one roof again.

  2. Jennifer says:

    Totally awesome, Matt. Nailed it.

  3. sweetsound says:

    Taxation without representation. Doesn’t everyone have the right to vote? Everyone might not do it, but they still have the right to. Hilarious letter- it’s just one thing that I noticed.

    America sure has done an amazing job for herself since her independence, really, I found myself defending my country with that statement to an English colleague recently. But note that that was a whopping 237 years ago… which is not actually so much in the grand scheme of time. Surely in the hundreds or thousands of years that we hope America exists as a nation, a little or even substantial change will be necessary to maintain itself. I agree with the merits of America’s founding, but I do think it can’t hurt anything to have an open mind about where the future might take us.

  4. Cylar says:

    Forget it. First thing the British would do is take all the guns away, even the ones carried by the police. Ain’t happening.

    That said, it’s sad to see modern day Americans completely forfeit and forget everything our Founders fought for. They gambled everything they had (and some lost it all indeed), just so their descendants could give away the store.

    I hate to think what even the surviving World War II vets must be thinking about us who are young today. They fought, bled, and gave all….for “free birth control?”

    • trenzalore says:

      And that, Cylar, is why Britain doesn’t want you back. Enjoy your one week off work next year.

      • Canada doesn’t want you either.

      • Cylar says:

        A week off? My managers at work get two. Tell me, do the English have 52″ plasma screens in their homes? It’s a trade off. We work harder…and also have a higher standard of living.

        Britain’s got enough problems of its own these days – from people dying while on waiting lists for health care to your soldiers getting hacked up in the streets by crazy immigrants from the Third World. 82 people were gunned down last year in Wales alone – how’s that gun ban working out for you?

        The Brits have got no business looking down their noses at anyone.

        We’ll keep our guns, our freedom, and our money, thank you very much. The only sad part is that, as Matt points out, our leaders seem to be working overtime to turning us into wussies and whelps dependent on the welfare state. In other words…our government wants us to become you.

  5. This blog is so creative and clever, I am seriously crushing on you right now. In a totally platonic, love your writing, love your brain kind of way. Sorry, I think I got caught up in the spirit of the post. Ignore all the above….

  6. Stef Evans says:

    Sorry, am late to this (though as a Brit I suppose I might be forgiven; too busy searching for our lost empire. Oh wait, no need… it’s come across the seas to us and is now right down our street).

    First of all the loss of part of our North American family was sad, but I do hope you remember Britain ‘owned’ only part of the land mass. You are now a whole lot bigger than the bit we had then. But this isn’t a grumble, as the forced evacuation of tens of thousands who took Britain’s side in the 1770s civil war (you do seem to get confused about the difference in wars: a civil war is about who runs the country, while a war of independence is when you don’t want to be part of it all, such as in the 1860s. I believe the Confederates wanted out rather than run the show, but I digress) who were forced to flee to Canada asa consequence of Britain sending thoroughly inept generals against Washington. This exodus though helped populate the more northerly place, so every cloud etc…

    No, I agree you shouldn’t have had taxation without representation. It’s true, that. But you seem to have managed to vote for it steadily ever since, one way or another. So, you got liberty and have slowly given it away since. Word has it you are utterly in debt to China, and you have no representation in Beijing. So, remind me how that representation is working out for you sometime.

    Oh, I’m not smug. We in Britain have handed ourselves over lock, stock and two smoking barrels to the EUSSR who are able to amend our laws (to our detriment) and charge us for it. Also, the whole corrupt shebang is run — quelle surprise — by the French and the Germans who we used to fight, I believe. Anyway, we are grateful to you over there (y’all, as you prefer) for being independent and powerful and twice coming to our shores to help us fight the Germans, though I do hear you took a lot of gifts from France at one time so not much help there when we might have needed assistance. No matter, you did the honourable (honorable) thing and helped your old ally. Of sorts, and then used us as an airstrip in payback.

    In truth a lot of your soldiers lie buried in these islands and we are grateful, genuinely grateful, for your sacrifices in helping at a very dark time. We over here should remember that often. We like to think there is a ‘special relationship’ though it does get a bit strained when so many bad guys in your movies are callous British types. Still, we should take that on the chin as it helps all the other races and nationalities in the US to be spared from appearing ‘evil.’ Consider our little gift to Hollywood. You’re welcome.

    Now I, unlike many of my fellow countrymen, have been to the States and I like you a lot. This email may not look that way but I am more pro-American than say, ooh… Mr Obama, for instance. I like how you get off your arses (sorry, to me an ass is an animal) and get things done. Laudable quality. True, your chocolate is not very nice and you seem to have little concept of cheeses but you can’t have everything, I suppose. But on the whole i like America, which makes me unhappy that you seem to have managed to dislike yourselves as much as the Norks. I am, by the way, firmly of the opinion that many of your enemies would move to your wonderful country in a flash if they could, and perhaps they will if the Dems get their way. I’ll leave you to sort that out, once you get over the ‘free stuff in exchange for votes’ problem you have.

    Mind you, we have it too. We manage to keep voting socialists into power but at least we have that on the voting form so we can’t pretend we never noticed what Bliar, Broon and Milipede represented. Anyway, your nice president wants us to stay in the EUseless confederation so I suppose we had better take notice or he won’t like us much. Oh wait, didn’t he not like us because his uncle or someone lived in Kenya once? Sorry, we are back on that nasty empire thing.

    Good luck to America. Seriously, I think you are great. By the way if you want to invade us I can guarantee a good welcome from most of us and we can get used to dollars instead of euros… sorry I mean pounds and it would be nice to vote Republican, say, rather than Socialist Workers Party. Of course if you invaded us a lot of Al Qaeda fans have made their home here and are supported by our state benefits so that might be tricky for a while. I wouldn’t, for example, go to Bradford or Oldham too quickly if you do invade.

    Your nice Mrs president can put her arms round our dear old Queen as a token of solidarity when your troops have cleared out the non-English speaking resistance. Yes, that will take time but I can imagine the O’s deciding they should stay in office, Castro-style, for years to come so they’ll come when it’s safe. I mean, who needs a constitution. What… You fought for that? Wow, who knew?

    Hugs from the UK

  7. not SAHM says:

    First all please get over your indignation about the question, “Do you work?” This is our society’s convention for “Do you have a paying job?” It’s just a conversation meant to find out information about someone. It is not intended to demean or criticize someone’s choice to stay home. (The two people you cite are not representative of everyone. While I think it’s not as hard to stay at home, I would never seem to be criticizing that to a friend or acquaintance. And it’s almost sexist to be offended. Would a man be offended by that question of would anyone even ask it in those words? No, the question would be “What do you do?” It is assumed a man works. So is he choosing not to bring up his kids in a loving and nurturing environment? No – very few men stay at home. And they are not looked down on. You are clearly looking down on working moms by extolling the virtues of your wonderful choice to have a SAHM.
    Secondly, there is no comparison in the amount of “work” done by SAHMs and those who have a paying job outside the home. If you are finding the SAHM so taxing, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it. I have done both and working mom wins hands down for difficulty. During the day you hopefully have some great time with your kids. And not in a rushed way. Things also get done during the day – shopping, cleaning, laundry, paying bills, etc. The working mom leaves early and when she arrives at home at say 5:00 all those jobs are still waiting to be done in the most hectic time of the day – making dinner, supervising homework, getting some quality time with kids. Don’t even try to say SAHMs have it as hard They have time to linger at the bus stop, talking with other moms. There is time for a walk with kids or going to the playground or play dates. Wonderful and enjoyable “work.” I’ve done both – home with kids on a half- year maternity leave and working from 8 to 5 and NEVER sitting down at night. It was a rare trip to the park then. Just no time. And come down off your high horse about your choice being better. I have three grown kids that are wonderful, humble and nice people, also very successful. Two are in extremely prestigious, colleges, one at Harvard and she would never dream of throwing that fact around. We never bring it up either unless directly asked. And my oldest has graduated and is in a job where she has risen to the top in a very short amount of time. She will be working part time when she has kids because she knows how hard it is to work and raise kids at the same time. She also will go back to working full time when they go off to kindergarten. What are SAHMs doing at that point that is so “hard?” And finally, which jobs have so much “down time” these days??? When I worked I worked right through my breaks and sometimes through lunch so I could go home earlier at the end of the day to see my kids. And, by the way, my oldest once wrote a letter to someone who said SAHM was the harder one, saying many of the same things I have just said. So she never resented the time I spent working. There are studies that children of working moms do better than one of SAHMs. In any case, no one would think of doing that research on men. So, please don’t let me hear you take offense about the “Do you work?”

  8. not SAHM says:

    Sorry – a couple typos but not ones that change the ideas I was trying to communicate. Just rushing to get off to work!!

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