Hey, listen, I’m stealing your car, cool?

Hey man, listen, something terrible happened. Someone stole my car! I know, right? I mean, I’m a victim of a crime! My car is gone! So, hey, what I’m going to do here is I’m going to just go ahead and take YOUR car because, like, I need a car, you know? What’s that? Why should I take your car just because someone took mine? Oh man, you disappoint me bro. How could you be so selfish?! Didn’t you hear me? I said my car has been stolen therefore, ipso facto, vis a vis, your car now belongs to me. By the way, this thing’s had an oil change recently, right?

Hey, before I drive off in your vehicle, one other thing: You know our buddy Tom? Yeah, well he borrowed 100 bucks from me a while ago and hasn’t paid me back yet. Soooooo… Yeah. This is kinda awkward but you’re gonna have to pay me back that money. Why, you ask? Well I’m not even going to dignify that question with a response, Mr. Scrooge. Some other guy owes me money and so now you owe me money. Period. What’s the problem? Look, just go and steal someone else’s car and someone else’s money. And then that person can steal another person’s car and money and so on and so forth until we’re living in a perpetual tornado of thievery!

Oh. Shoot. One more thing. And this is totally in line and consistent with the previous two things: The government took my money and said it would save it and give it back to me without interest when I retire. They called it the “Social Security System”. Well, it was an atrociously horrible idea and everything, and my generation and the generation before us never should have accepted it, but we did. So obviously the money the government took from me is now gone. They spent it LONG ago. But they owe it to me. Sooooooo… yeah. I know you’re just starting out in the world and trying to build a family and a future, but I’m going to need to take a big chunk of your paycheck to fund my retirement. Why, you ask? Good Lord, man, haven’t you caught on by now? Someone takes from me, so I take from you. This is how America works now, OK? Oh, and keep in mind, when you retire this whole system will be broke and you won’t get a dime. But I’ll be dead by then so what do I care? Alright, gotta go, thanks, see ya!

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