A gym for gross people like myself

Attention community: With the warm weather upon us, I, like you, will begin a jogging routine that I will certainly keep up –at least until it gets too hot. So, in other words, I’ll be at it for the next week and a half or so. With that said, if you happen to see me running, don’t be alarmed by my appearance. Also, please wait until I’ve passed by before you laugh at me.

I consider myself to be a pretty confident guy. The Lord didn’t burden me with too many personal insecurities. Although he did load me up with plenty of unregulated mental anxieties and paranoias so I guess it’s a bit of a wash, all told. That said, I have to admit I harbor some envy and maybe even a little resentment towards those damned freaks of nature who jog around the neighborhood looking like they just popped out of a fitness magazine. You know these people. Maybe you are these people: They’re outfitted in their crisp Under Armor workout threads, they’re running at a solid clip but barely breaking a sweat, they have a look of determination but not exhaustion, they move with long, easy strides, they take measured and controlled breaths. And I guess at this point I’m getting a little creepy about it. I used to run track — I’ve been trained to notice these things.

Now compare these Gatorade commercials with myself: I’m decked out in a t-shirt that looks like it’s been through a blender and gym shorts from my high school days, I’m pouring sweat like a faucet, I’m bright red, breathing like a dying cow, and I’ve got a look of death and sickness in my face. Sure, this is all because I’m putting the work in, as the kids would say (I’m sure somebody’s kid might say that). But when I put the work in, it ain’t pretty. Unlike these New Balance catalogue images I find running all over the neighborhood, God bless ’em.

I am now more determined than ever to start my new business venture: A gym specifically for people who look like sweaty crap when they workout. It’s time my people band together.

Note: my gym is NOT for people who look like sweaty crap and then fail to wipe down the equipment after they use it. They have gyms for those biological terrorists at Guantanamo Bay.

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