God Help Us! The Sequester is Coming!

I hope you’ve prepared for the dissolution of the human race that will take place on March 1st after this deadly budget cut takes effect. I’m sure you’ve heard our politicians running around screaming like hysterical school girls about the “sequester”. In fact, congress finds the issue so urgent that they responded by taking a week off for President’s Day. Obama, when he got back from his slumber party with Tiger Woods, said that the reduction in spending will be a disaster. Much like a tsunami or the Black Plague. Imagine the horrors if the government is forced to spend a little bit less!

Planes falling from the sky!

Terrorists taking over your neighborhood!

Bodies strewn lifeless in the street!

Starving children!

Exploding puppies!

Seriously, it’s that bad.

Now just to be clear, I know I said a budget “cut” will take place but actually I lied. Everyone who claims that spending will be “cut” is either lying or stupid. No spending cut will happen. Government spending has never been cut. What they’re talking about is a “reduction in future spending”. In other words, spending will still increase but it will just increase at a slightly slower rate. Every government agency will have more money than they did last year. Just a little less more. Calling that a “cut” is a joke. That’s like if you thought your grandmother was going to send you twenty bucks next month for your birthday but instead she sent you fifteen and you called her up ticked off, accusing her of stealing five dollars. But even that analogy is too kind to the sequester chicken littles. In fact, it would be like if you thought your grandmother was going to send you twenty and instead she sent you 19.99 and you knocked down her door demanding the penny she owes you.

If the sequester hits it would reduce future spending by 85 billion… Out of almost 4 TRILLION. These parasites, no matter what, will still burn about 4 trillion bucks — much of which will be borrowed. Look, the government takes more and more out of MY budget every month. They don’t pity me. I can’t negotiate with them. I either pay or the IRS comes after me and destroys my life. And we’re supposed to feel sorry for them when their biggest problem is they ONLY get to spend 4 trillion dollars this year? Sorry, no. Hey, Uncle Sam, if you can’t figure out how to operate on a pile of money that could reach the freaking moon, don’t expect me to have any sympathy for you. I have sympathy for myself and my family, that we are living in a country managed by the most wasteful and incompetent collection of clowns ever assembled in the galaxy. If you can’t figure out how to swallow a minuscule reduction in future spending without laying off the entire Pentagon, you suck at your job. Learn how to allocate those massive funds, morons. The wheels are falling off because you might get .02 percent less than you expected? Wow. You’re more awful than I ever imagined.

We have the most expensive government in the history of humanity. The Roman Empire ran the entire world on a smaller budget than what we give to just the EPA alone. Something’s gotta give. And we’ve given enough. Now it’s your turn, Uncle Sam. If it was up to me I’d cut you in half and then in half again. But for now I’ll just have to settle for my measly .02 percent and laugh with delight while you cry about it.

Mmmm, the tears of a corrupt government. I think that’s the title of a Smokey Robinson song.

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